Quotes by Billy Connolly

• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
• The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
• There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
• I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
• I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
• My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
• My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
• Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
• It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
• Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
• If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
• I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
• I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
• I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
• I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
• I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
• I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
• Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
• Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
• I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
• Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. After that, who cares? They're a mile away and you've got their shoes!
• Life is like a sandwich; no matter which way you flip it, the crust is always on the outside!