Quotes by Demetri Martin

• My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
• Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
• The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
• The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
• Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
• People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
• If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
• If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
• I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
• I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
• I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
• I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
• I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
• I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
• Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
• A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
• A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
• Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.