Quotes by Elayne Boosler

• The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
• I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
• To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
• Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
• I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
• My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
• When the sun comes up, I have morals again.