Quotes by Groucho Marx

• Before I speak, I have something important to say.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• Go, and never darken my towels again.
• Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
• Humor is reason gone mad.
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
• I intend to live forever, or die trying.
• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
• I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
• I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
• Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
• My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
• My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
• Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
• Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
• I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
• If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
• I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
• I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
• I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
• I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
• It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.
• Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
• Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
• Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
• Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
• The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
• She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• Room service? Send up a larger room.
• Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
• Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
• Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
• Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
• If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
• Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
• I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
• I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
• In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
• I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
• Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana
• Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.