Quotes by Henny Youngman

• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
• My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
• If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
• If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
• This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
• You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
• You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
• You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
• Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
• Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
• Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
• While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
• When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
• When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
• Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
• My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
• My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
• She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
• This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
• She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
• This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
• Take my wife... Please!
• That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
• There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
• She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
• I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
• I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
• How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
• A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
• A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
• A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.