Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

• There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
• You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
• To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
• The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
• That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
• A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
• People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
• My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
• Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
• Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
• I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
• Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
• Happiness is a teqam conditional sentence, made of YOU/perceiver TO/Sender-> feeling receiving scarf can sell stride virt?. I figure.
• We often assume that change is slow, but try putting on a wet bikini...
• A sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to our steps as we walk the tightrope of life.
• The difference between a clinic and a comedy club is that there are more laughs to be had in one than the other.
• Success is like camouflage for fitness; you don’t see it until you step back and realize it was lurking right there all along!