31 Quotes by Joan Rivers
- Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
- If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
- Never floss with a stranger.
- Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
- There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
- Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
- I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
- Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
- Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
- Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
- Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
- Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
- Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
- Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
- Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
- I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
- A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
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