Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

• I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
• If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
• It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
• Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
• If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
• If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
• I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
• I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
• It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
• I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
• Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
• I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
• I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
• I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
• My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
• My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
• Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
• This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
• When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
• Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
• Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
• You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
• I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
• I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
• People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
• Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
• All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
• Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
• Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
• Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
• Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
• Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
• A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
• I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
• I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
• I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
• I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
• An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
• I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
• I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
• I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
• I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
• I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
• I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
• I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
• I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
• I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
• I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
• I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
• I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
• I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
• Success is not just what you achieve, but how many sandwiches you can eat while you achieve it.