Quotes by Ogden Nash

• People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
• People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
• Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
• One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
• Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
• Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
• If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
• To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
• Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
• Women would rather be right than reasonable.
• Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
• Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
• Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
• The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
• The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
• The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.
• The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
• The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.
• There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
• Too clever is dumb.
• I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
• Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
• There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
• A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
• I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
• A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
• Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
• Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?
• Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
• Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
• Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
• Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
• I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
• Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
• Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
• I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.
• I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
• I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
• I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.
• Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
• Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.