Quotes by Paul Merton

• My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
• On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.
• I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?