Quotes by Phyllis Diller

• I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
• It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
• If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
• I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
• I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
• Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
• I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
• My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
• Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
• Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
• I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
• You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
• You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
• Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
• My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
• There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
• My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
• The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
• The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
• Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
• Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
• Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna has both.
• The best way to appreciate someone's klutz charm is to stand at a safe distance
• When life gives you lemons, squirt then in your enemies' eyes
• I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning!
• Don't tell people your dreams. Show them how liverwurst can mysteriously vanish at cocktail parties.