Quotes by Rita Rudner

• A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
• Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
• I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
• I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
• When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
• My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
• My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
• Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
• Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
• Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
• Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
• The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
• The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
• They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
• We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
• My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
• Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
• Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
• To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
• It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
• I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
• I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
• It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
• Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
• Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
• Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
• My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
• In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
• Life is like a sandwich, no matter which way you flip it, the bread always comes first.
• Proof that housework doesn’t kill you: I’ve always picked to be alive without shoes, just in case the need for escape arises.