Quotes by Robert Orben

• Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
• Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
• Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
• Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'
• There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
• There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
• Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
• To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
• Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
• What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
• With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
• Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
• A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
• A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
• Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
• Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
• Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
• Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
• Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
• Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
• Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
• More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
• I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
• Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
• Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
• Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
• In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
• Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
• If you can laugh together, you can work together.
• I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
• Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.