Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

• My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
• I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
• I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
• I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
• I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
• I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
• I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
• I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
• If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
• Life is just a bowl of pits.
• Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
• Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
• I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
• My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
• My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
• My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
• My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
• My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
• My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
• My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
• On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
• Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
• One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
• What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
• What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
• When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
• With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
• With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
• Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
• This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
• I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
• At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
• I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
• I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
• The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
• My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home!