Quotes by Ryan Stiles

• If I were like your mother, I would be a woman.
• You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.
• When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but I'm damn gouda.
• What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.
• The sky, the sky beyond the door is blue.
• The first rule to living in America is 'Stop tap dancing, you fool!'.
• That is raw dough. Never eat raw dough. They can make worms in your tummy. Worms in your tummy.
• Never trust sheep.
• Never interrupt me when I'm eating a banana.
• I look like Walt Disney just threw up.
• If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me.
• I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.
• I'd rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn't happen to know of a rental car place around.
• I'm going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they'll be ripe.
• I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States.
• If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian.
• If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!
• If I were as much of a man as my woman, I'd be my wife.
• Back off or the lizard gets it!