Quotes by Steven Wright

• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
• My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
• If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
• My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
• If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
• Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
• Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• So, do you live around here often?
• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
• If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
• I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
• At one point he decided enough was enough.
• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
• When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
• What a nice night for an evening.
• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
• It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
• I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
• I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
• I invented the cordless extension cord.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
• I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• How young can you die of old age?
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
• I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
• I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
• George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
• I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
• I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
• I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you,
• A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory.
• If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• Life is like a rolling stone, drink some coffee and kick it back up the hill.
• Life is all about balance—without tea or coffee, I resemble a sad potato.
• Life is like a broken pencil; it's pointless without a little humor.
• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
• Life is like a camera—if things don’t work out, you can always take another shot.