Quotes by Wilson Mizner

• Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
• You sparkle with larceny.
• To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
• There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.
• The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.
• Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.
• The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.
• The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.
• The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
• Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.
• The first hundred years are the hardest.
• To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.
• If you count all your assets you always show a profit.
• I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.
• I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.
• I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.
• I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
• If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
• Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
• I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
• Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.
• God help those who do not help themselves.
• I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'
• Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.
• A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.
• A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
• A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.
• A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.
• In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.
• Art is science made clear.
• Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.
• Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
• Failure has gone to his head.
• Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
• It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.
• All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.
• Happiness is not in having it, but in doing it