Quotes by W. Fields

• You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
• When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
• There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
• There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
• The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
• The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
• The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
• The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
• Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
• The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
• Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
• Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
• If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
• If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
• If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
• If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
• It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
• It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
• It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
• Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
• I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
• Never give a sucker an even break.
• Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
• Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
• On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
• Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
• Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
• Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
• Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
• I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
• Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
• I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
• Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
• A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
• I never met a kid I liked.
• All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
• Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
• Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
• Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
• Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
• Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
• I must have a drink of breakfast.
• I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
• Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
• I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
• I drink therefore I am.
• I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
• I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
• I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
• I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.