Quotes by Woody Allen

• I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
• It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
• It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
• In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
• In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
• If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
• I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
• If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
• Marriage is the death of hope.
• I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
• I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
• I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
• I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
• I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
• I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
• I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
• Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
• You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
• Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
• Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
• Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
• When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
• When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
• What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
• What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
• Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
• Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
• The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
• Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
• Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
• Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
• Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
• Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
• Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
• My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
• Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
• Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
• To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
• I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
• As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
• Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
• Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
• Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
• Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
• Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
• His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
• I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
• I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
• Eighty percent of success is showing up.
• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
• I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
• I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
• I am two with nature.
• I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
• I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
• Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
• Talent is luck; the important thing in life is courage.
• If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.